One of my clients asked me if she should apologize to her team after feeling she had not defended their work in a recent meeting with a cantankerous customer. She and two of her direct reports were in a strategy meeting and her teammates were pitching their ideas to an overly critical and disrespectful customer. To make matters worse, she heads up a department that supports other departments within a very large company… so the lack of decorum and professionalism from the customer was even more hurtful. So much for family…
As an Executive Coach, I frequently work with people who are already hugely successful and want to take their leadership and performance to new levels. An issue I see regularly is behavior that gets in the way of them being more effective, like failing to listen or just the opposite, failing to speak their mind. As we go through a process of fully understanding how they can improve their performance, I often ask them if “they need to right a wrong” their undesired behavior may have caused. More often than not, the answer is yes.
Apologizing sincerely is one the most important and yet difficult skills any executive can develop. Marshall Goldsmith in his best seller, What Got You Here Won’t Get You There calls it “The Magic Move.” Goldsmith writes, “… without the apology there is no recognition that mistakes have been made, there is no announcement to the world of the intention to change, and most important there is no emotional contract between you and the people you care about. Saying you’re sorry to someone writes that contract in blood.”
A meaningful and sincere apology can create an atmosphere where the leader admits they are human and also vulnerable. Have you ever had a boss or employee who could admit to an error, but could never apologize when one was due? It is like a cupcake with no icing. You may have something to chew on, but it’s just not the same.
I think Goldsmith does an exceptional job of outlining why a sincere apology is so important. Note the three compelling parts to a real apology:
1) Recognition of a mistake;
2) Acknowledgement and pronouncement of your desire to be better; and
3) Connecting to the hearts of your audience.
The response to my client was “yes,” if she felt like she needed to right a wrong. I also added, “But don’t offer the apology without the desire to handle the situation differently when it arises again.” Now we have moved into new rich coaching material as she learns to be even more effective in those challenging meetings.